China

Our adventure continues to the land of China the world's most populous country with a population of over 1.3 billion, the Great Wall, and fireworks! 

Yanjing Beer

Darin: This is a very nice beer as far as a lager goes.

Cory: I like how there’s really no aftertaste.

Darin: You’re right, it has a very clean after-flavor.

Cory: I don’t drink that much imported beer, well of course until this blog, but it almost tastes like Heineken.

Darin: You’re right about the Heineken but to me this has more of a citrus flavor, like it has lemon in it.  I like how the bottle has the Great Wall of China on it.

Cory: I like how it says ‘Served Chilled’ in case you forget to stick it in the fridge.

Darin: Because it probably doesn’t taste good warm.  I think Mike was right about how we should have a pungent cheese with it.

Cory: Are we supposed to eat the outside part of this cheese?

Darin: Why not? What isn’t edible?

Cory: Good point, you can pretty much eat about anything according to My Strange Addiction, have you watched that show?

Darin: (laughing) Yes that is the show where they eat soap and stuff, so I guess you can eat anything.

Tsingtao Pure Draft Beer

Cory: Oooh, taste it.  It tastes like…nothing.

Darin: It’s not nothing, it has a bit of bitterness to it.  I’m tasting a hint of nuttiness, but just a bit, not overpowering, with maybe a dash of silliness too.

Cory: I’m putting on a band from Beijing – you wouldn’t guess they’re from China but they are.  They’re called Brain Failure, check it out.  http://youtu.be/8spQ4Oqwy7I

Darin: Are they singing lyrics?

Cory: For me hating Chinese food as much as I do, their beer doesn’t rub me the wrong way like their food does.  I think I’d like this beer if I didn’t enjoy beer normally.  You know what I mean?

Darin: No.

Cory: It’s very mild.  We haven’t said too much about this beer.

Darin: What can we say about it?  It’s easily drinkable.  I wonder if this would actually go with Chinese food?

Cory: Considering my aversion to Chinese food, I would freakin’ pound this just to fill up so I didn’t have to eat that crap.

Darin: It almost has a woody flavor to it.

Cory: (giggling) You want me to write it has a woody flavor to it?

Darin: Yes.  Like, if you were to suck on…

Cory: (snort)

Darin: Sucking on a toothpick.  It has that woody flavor.

Cory: Is Dim Sum Chinese food?

Darin: Dim Sum is SO good!

Cory: YUCK!  That’s SO gross!!!  It’s a mystery food wrapped in snot!! 

Darin: Dim Sum is basically Pu Pu.  In Hawaii, that’s an appetizer.  In China, that’s an appetizer.  You’ve never had quality Dim Sum obviously, and I’d suggest China Palace in Oakland.

Cory: NO.  For one thing, I don’t want my food brought to me by some guy with a cart and a bunch of mystery food wrapped in slime.

Darin: That’s the fun of it, the guy with the cart!

Cory: No thank you.  And how many times has that cart been around the block before it gets to you?

Darin: What kind of Dim Sum have you had!?!  Did you have the kind with Dinty Moore beef stew in it?  There’s a kind with sesame seeds on the outside and sweet bean paste inside.

Cory: First of all, I don’t want any part of it.  Honestly, I would eat those duck embryos that the dude from the Travel Channel eats before I eat Dim Sum.  I think that’s some sort of Asian delicacy.  Case closed.

Tsingtao Lager Beer

Cory: I can smell this one just from cracking it open.

Darin: Oh my.

Cory: What do you smell?

Darin: This is a lot stronger beer flavor than the Tsingtao Draft.  Does it taste stronger to you?

Cory: Yup.  It’s still light though.

Darin: This is bitter and has a lot stronger hoppy flavor to it.

Cory: This beer has a malty taste to me.

Darin: It’s really bitter to me.

Lucky Buddha

Cory: This tastes very mild.  Considering how offensive Chinese food is to me, their beer is not half bad. Their website says, ‘The ancient ingredients in Lucky Beer is a subtle blend of local malt, rice, hand selected hops and water.’  I think water must be the main ingredient.

Darin: I would think the ancient ingredient would be…I’m not liking it so I don’t think my words will be kind.  This beer has an aftertaste of bitter beer barf.  I can’t say that I’m a big fan of this, but yet I’m still drinking it. 

Cory: Why is this so offensive to you?  It just tastes like water to me?

Darin: (gagging) I don’t know about you, but this just tastes like bitter barf.  I could be buzzing just a little bit.

Cory: Well, I’m not buzzing and it tastes like freaking water.  Oh!  Listen to this, ‘Lucky Beer is brewed with pure, drinkable water from the Qiandao Lake.’  See, they keep mentioning water in the ingredients.  I don’t see how something that tastes like nothing could be so offensive to you.

Darin: I have to wonder why you can’t taste it?  What does it taste like?

Cory: Nothing!

Darin: It tastes like what I would imagine a sweaty armpit to taste like, which is not something I particularly care for.

Cory: Hmmm.  If this tastes like sweaty armpits, then sweaty armpits don’t bother me.

Darin: I won’t judge someone that likes sweaty armpits.  I had a perception that this one would have a crisp citrusy flavor to it, but it does not taste like the dew from a fresh spring morning, it just smells like the monks had sweaty rats swimming in the vats and it’s sour and bitter and repulsive to my taste buds. 

Cory: Really?  It’s been like 20 minutes and you won’t even finish your beer?!

Darin: I can’t do it.

Cory: You’ll drink Belgium’s cough syrup beer and you won’t finish this?

Darin: I can’t do it.  It’s horrible.  I’m switching to another one.  I like the bottle but the beer sucks. (Darin chugs the beer just to finish it, because Cory is giving him a hard time)

(some time later, after Darin has switched back to Tsingtoa)

Darin: What are you drinking?

Cory: Lucky Beer.

Darin: Ugh!  Once again, I have to bow to your mastery of being able to drink just about anything.  That’s impressive.

Cory: It’s just water in a Buddha bottle.

Darin: Maybe water mixed with cockroach. 

Cory: Let me ask you this.  Why is their beer so weak?!  Really, they can’t throw some alcohol into the barrel when they brew their beer?  I’m on like my 10^th beer and not even buzzed. 

Darin: I was thinking the same thing!  You know another reason I like Tsingtao?  It says ‘Green Food’ on it, what does that even mean?  Does that mean Chinese people count this as food?  It would explain a lot.  If this is food, how many calories do you think is in this?

Cory: 200.

Darin: What?!  Where did you read that?!

Cory: It’s 200 calories, case closed.

Canada

This time we tackled Canada eh, so cmon sit back, enjoy the ride, and throw back some Canadian brews ya hosers!

Molson Canadian Biere Lager

Cory: For being the Coors of Canada, it’s light but not blah.

Darin: Just wait, the more it settles on your tongue the more you’ll taste the

Alka-Seltzer flavor.  It’s sort of got a salty taste to it.

Cory: Alka-Seltzer again?  I don’t really have any opinion about this beer.

Darin: It tastes very similar to Budweiser to me.

Cory: I think I’d drink this beer if I was watching my carb intake.

Darin: I don’t think I’d drink this beer unless it was free at a party.  But even if it’s free and light, I want something that’s full in my mouth.  Don’t type that.  Hey, your eyes sparkle like the glacial waters of Moraine Lake.

Cory: Huh?  Your beer label has a pick-up line on it?  How come mine doesn’t have that?

Darin: What does yours have?

Cory: Canadian Creations: Other than Molson Canadian, which is the most awesome thing to come from Canada: the Wonderbra® or the dump truck.  Are you grabbing another one of these?  Grab me one with a pick-up line.

Unibroue: La Fin Du Monde

Cory: UGH!  Maybe I just drank this way too soon after the sip from the last beer but there’s not even a word from the beer color wheel to describe the nastiness in my mouth right now.

Darin: You may have to stray from the beer color wheel.  I like it.

Cory: Even the smell is nauseating to me.

Darin: I like it, it has a complexity of flavor, it’s got, almost like a roasted burnt flavor to it.  It’s fruity, but it has something I can’t put my finger on yet.  I want to point out, you can taste the alcohol flavor in this, and it almost has the flavor of a merlot mixed in, it’s kind of odd.  Maybe that’s what you don’t like, the beer mixed with wine flavor.

Cory: I don’t even know how to describe this taste, it’s almost like drinking coffee with booze, but not an Irish coffee.

Darin: No, it’s like drinking the coffee grounds.  How is anyone going to want to drink any of the beers we review?

Cory: The more I’m drinking this one the more it’s growing on me.

Darin: Yeah, I like it.  Are you gonna yack?

Cory: Should I even write that I almost yacked?

Darin: Whoa!  It hits you with a bitter beer face! 

Cory: You know what the last taste just tasted like?  Carbonated coffee.  Maybe we should invent that but we’d be reinventing the wheel with this beer.

Darin: I don’t know what that burnt taste is unless it’s an over-roasted malt.  I wonder if that’s how they get the higher alcohol content.  I don’t wonder enough to look it up, but I just wonder.

Cory: And does triple fermented mean it has a higher alcohol content or just a stronger flavor?  I won’t bother to look that up either.

Darin: I don’t know that I’d drink this again.  It’s a little bit strong for my palate.  None of this has been nearly as bad as that oatmeal stuff we drank at St. Stan’s.  God that was awful.

Cory: Oatmeal?

Darin: Yeah.

Cory: Since you bring that beer up every freakin’ time we review beer maybe we should find out what that was.

Darin: I think that’s because it seems to have been the worst for me.

Tucker: Mom!!  Scary red face guy! (RE: Darth Maul)

Cory: That’s just face paint.  It’s pretend.

Darin: That’s not face paint, that’s his race, are you racist?

Cory: Are we having another one of these because I’m finished with this one.

Darin: Holy smokes.  I think I’m finished with this one.

Maudite Amber Red Ale on Lees

Darin: This has nice head, I like the amber color and it looks kind of cloudy like Widmer Hefeweizen. 

Cory: I’m not even going to say what this smells like.

Darin: I can tell you what it smells like – it almost smells like moldy towels.

Cory: I was going to say it smells like a public restroom. 

Darin: It’s probably more like a British public restroom.

Cory: Maybe it’s a fancy public restroom if it smells like Maudite.  I’m embarrassed for Mike at BevMo to read this.  I think it tastes like it smells.

Darin: It tastes like a urinal?!  It does kind of smell like a public restroom but I think you put that idea in my head.

Cory: It gets better with age.  I think I might actually like this one after all.  Listen to this, “Québec's Unibroue is one of the world leaders in brewing Belgian-inspired ales.”  Maybe that’s what our repulsion to it is.

Darin: I think that’s why it doesn’t bode well on us, because we were very unkind to Belgium.

Cory: Listen to this, "Maudite is one of Unibroue’s most fascinating beers.  The beer is aged long on the lees and bottle-conditioned, imparting diverse yeasty scents and flavors not present in malt or hops alone.  Combining Weizenbock-associated caramel and clove aromas with the fiery peppery spice and aged-cheese tang…”  (Cory and Darin cracked up here)  “more typical of a Trappist Dubbel, this reddish-amber strong ale resists traditional classification.  Yet who cares when the results are so addictively delicious?  Fragrant without overwhelming, strong without feeling heavy, this beer is a masterpiece that cries out for rich, slow-cooked foods and boldly seasoned sauces.  The name may mean ‘Cursed,’ but with this beer, you're only damned if you don't try it.”  Now that is a description, Darin!  They don’t just say that it tastes like coffee grounds and I gagged.

Darin: You are the literary giant!  You write something better than coffee grounds and throw up.

Cory: Fine, let’s move on.

 Unibroue Terrible

Cory: Oh my God, you almost threw up.

Darin: No I did not, I was just thinking words.

Cory: Oh!!  I like it!!!  I’m glad we saved this one for last.  I like this one the best.

Darin: Really?  You like this one the best?

Tucker: What’s it taste like?

Darin: Smell it.

Tucker: It smells like milk.

Darin: If this is what your milk tastes like, it has expired and do not drink it.

Cory: I really like this one, it’s my favorite.

Darin: Okay, so what does it taste like?

Cory: Good.

Darin: It’s like sugary candy cane; this is your favorite?!  Tucker what’s this smell like?

Tucker: Like smoke.

Darin: Like smoke, that’s what I thought.  Not milk.

Cory: Did you know that without the “I” your name spells “Darn”?  That’s funny to me.

Darin: Yes, I know that.

Cory: I really like this beer.  How come I always like the dark beer?

Darn: I think you like the dark beer because of its complexity.

Beer review ends, conversation continues 

Molson Part Deux

Cory: I’m back to drinking Molson because we ran out of everything else but I still have no opinion about it.

Darin: Hey, did you get one with a pick-up line?

Cory: No, another Canadian Creations: Other than Molson Canadian which is the most awesome thing to come from Canada: Frozen Fish Patty or The Zipper.

Darin: I can live without the fish patty, but the zipper?!

Cory: Really?!  I can’t live without a fish patty!

Darin: Button fly is so much cooler than a zipper any day of the week.  But I can’t live without the zipper.

Cory: Okay, I can’t live without a zipper either.

Darin: DON’T YOU DARE TYPE THIS.  Have you ever seen the movie There’s Something About Mary?  That’s why you go with a button-fly – you NEVER EVER get it caught in it!!!! 

Cory: Uh-huh.

Darin: Doesn’t Ellie have pretty eyes?

Cory: I always think to myself, she has blond hair and blue eyes, and that reminds me of that horror movie with all the kids with the blond hair and blue eyes.  I know it sounds horrible but it creeps me out.

Darin: You mean Children of the Corn?

Cory: Yes!  Children of the Corn.  And I’m sorry but the combination is creepy.  Do the children with blond hair and blue eyes kill?

Darin: Honestly, I don’t remember.  I didn’t like the little boy, I thought he was weird.

Cory: Oops that was Ellie.

Darin: The echo from that was clearly you.

Cory: That was Ellie.  But at what point in our society did farts and shitting become something to be ashamed of?  They’re natural bodily functions.

Darin: I’ve been reading about that.  I was reading Sophie’s World and they talk about the whole fact that certain things are societal and not based off of nature like burping and farting.  I know you think I don’t read but I do.

Cory: So what does she say? 

Darin: Society puts too much pressure on farting and it’s a natural thing people have to do.  See, Tucker just proved that point.  He just vibrated the couch a little bit.

Cory: Can you say ‘excuse me’ next time, Tucker?

Darin: That’s societal pressure right there.  Do you have to say excuse me each time or can you just go wild?

Cory: Darin, can I tell you something?

Darin: Okay.

Cory: You’re more breathtaking than a Baniff sunrise.

Darin: You just read that off your beer!

Tucker: Mom, you see that blue lightsaber?  That’s cool.  You buy that for me?

Cory: You don’t need everything you see on TV.

Darin: What’s wrong with him having that?  It’s a capitalist society.

Cory: What?

Darin: You were born with a silver spoon in your mouth, Cory.

Cory: Really, Darin??

(Argument ensued)

Darin: Do not type anything I am saying.  What are you typing? 

Cory: I don’t know if it’s because I’m tired and just saw puke but this beer is making me feel pukey.

Darin: That’s why I cut myself off. 

Cory: Why?  Because you’re driving or because you cleaned up puke?

Darin: Yes, because I’m driving and because the first round kicked my butt and gave me a lot more of a buzz than I anticipated.

Cory: Oh, because we drank Trouble.  I mean Terrible.  Or whatever.  Do you have anything else to say about Canada?

Darin: I think you can buy Cuban cigars in Canada. 

Cory: When I was in college we’d drive up to Canada for the weekend because the drinking age was 19 and it’s like Vegas where you can drink in the street, too!  Pretty sweet.  It was worth a five hour drive each way, let me tell you.

The End !